Friday, December 21, 2012

Here I Am!

After several weeks on hiatus, I have returned.  I'm a little worse for the wear, physically anyway, but I am alive.  There have been several nights that I have thought "I need to write that down" and then I fall asleep and the days blur together until three weeks have passed and NOTHING.

Kris and I hit a breaking point of sorts in the last couple of weeks.  We hit a storm that had nothing to do with our past really, but it was a storm nonetheless.  We have weathered it; we are weathering it.  Life has just been too busy and too stressful (Kris, with his work being crazy busy).  We got into a huge fight the other night.  I can't even remember if it was this week or last.  I just remember sobbing in my bed late one night, feeling like I had been punched in the gut.

Words are powerful.  I don't know if you've ever thought about how powerful they are.  I think about it often.  Words hurt.  They cut deeply, or they have the power to heal.  It just depends on how you use them.

I shared a struggle with Kris on this particular night, and he was already stressed out because he's been working an insane amount of hours.  When we fight at night, and Kris then goes to sleep without things being resolved, I am wide open for an attack from the enemy.  I will lay there thinking.  Unbidden, the thoughts about my past flood into my mind.  I try to pray them away, and not focus on the fact that Kris sleeping beside me, seemingly unconcerned that I am upset.  But the enemy has a field day. 

So, I woke Kris up in the usual way - tossing and turning, sighing loudly, then finally breaking down and sobbing because he won't wake up, and I don't have the courage to just gently and kindly shake him and say "Hey, I really need you right now."

He woke up to me sobbing, laying with my body turned away from him.  He asked why I was crying.  And then the guilt sets in.  The guilt that says "He has to get up soon and you're just wasting his time."  Guilt, Satan, it's all one in the same.  Kris loves me.  I know that he loves me.  And he wants to make sure that I am OK.  He always wants me to be OK. 

So, he proceeds to try to make me OK. 

But on this night in particular, the enemy was heavily attacking him as well.  There was no way the enemy was going to let us resolve the issue.  Kris was angry and in the midst of it all, he said something to me that cut deeply.  I had not felt that hurt since the last time I found out he had been looking at things he shouldn't.  It cut me just as that always did.  I lay there, completely devastated.  I couldn't believe he had said what he did, and it made me feel terrible about myself.  All the guilt and shame from my past choices came to the surface and the enemy tried to get me to focus on those. 

But, crafty as he is, he's still kinda stupid.  I knew (and kept telling myself) that Satan was just trying to come between me and Kris.  I think Kris realized it too, but it still took us quite some time to resolve things between us.

Kris knew he had hurt me.  He knew he couldn't take back what he said.  And I knew that we had to talk about it, because I knew that Satan would use his words to continue hurting me.  That night, I kept replaying Kris' words, even though I didn't want to.  I tried not to think about them, but it was a real struggle.  When things were calm, I told Kris that I feared Satan would use those words to get at me. 

Fortunately, when I think back to that night, I don't hurt quite as badly.  In fact, I can think about it with more clarity, and see even more how the enemy tried to come between us.  The words, while devastating in the moment, have not held me captive.  I am FREE.  And yet again, I think about just how grateful I am.  For God.  For Kris.  For everything that has happened in the last 10 months.

Oh's been 10 months!  :-)  A celebration, for sure.  We celebrated by taking the day off work Wednesday, both of us.  It was much needed and I'm not ashamed to admit that we did absolutely nothing most of the day.  And it felt fabulous!  Later in the evening, we got dressed up, went to Red Lobster for dinner, then went downtown and saw Wicked at The Fabulous Fox.  It was excellent!  Not as good as I remember it from two years ago (I wasn't thrilled with Glinda), but our seats were amazing and we could see facial expressions, which really added to the show.  It was a great day all in all. 

I'll try to write more, more often.  I can't make any promises.  I feel like I have so much on my plate and either I'm working when I think to write, or it's late at night and I'm on Ambien now, so who knows what I'd write after I take that!

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