Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Without Running Away

I heard a song this week for the first time.  It seems so appropriate for the point I was at in my life, between February 19th and April 6th.  You will soon learn the significance of April 6th for me, but not just yet.  But this song...man this song...

Where I thought hope had ended I always find a little bit more

...be free of the burden that hoping requires...

To bring my heart to every day.  And to run the risk of fearlessly loving without running away

Broken and bleeding I'm waiting for healing to come
But wounded is a part that I've learned to play well
Though the wound may run deeper than I know how to tell
Where pain's an addiction that keeps me buried alive
When it's all that I know I'm afraid to leave it behind

This is where I found myself in March.  I was so scared to leave the pain behind.  These words speak to where my heart was:

My heart is not lifted up
My eyes are not lifted up
But calm and quiet is my soul
Like a child with its mother is my soul

In the midst of it all, through all of March, I began to notice this calm come over my life.  I hoped so badly that I could eventually tear that wall down between me and God and finally FEEL His love.  Finally accept his forgiveness and grace.  I was so close.  But I just couldn't get there.

After a while in the dark your eyes will adjust
In the shadows you'll find the hand you can trust
And the still small voice that calls like the rising sun
'Come bring your heart to every day
And run the risk of fearlessly loving without running away'

I felt God calling to me.  I was softening.  I was beginning to feel hope.  More than just a glimmer. I could feel God working in my heart.  I wanted so desperately to just let it all go and give it to God.  But I felt like I needed my fear.  I needed that wall.  But I was finally getting to a point where I began to think that it might be possible for God to break through, if I wasn't willing to take it down myself.

There is another Jason Gray song I heard yesterday that I felt would be appropriate in this post as well. It's as if it speaks to the lengths that God is willing to go to rescue His children.  God WILL find a way!

Now to reach her heart the only way is to hide in there as well
I will hide in there as well

I can remember hoping with everything in me that God would find a way to hide in my heart too.


  1. I have never heard of either of these songs, thanks for sharing! I really liked reading this post. I can totally relate to that feeling of wanting to completely feel God's love. Also, thank you for dropping by my blog earlier. Following you back! (And my husband is feeling much better, by the way!)
    Of Thoughts and Things

  2. As I've read this blog I've really found myself hurting with you, hurting for you and praying that God continues to work in you and your family. Although it is sad to hear about the shape your life and marriage ended up getting to it is so encouraging to see that both of you continued to fight. Now days, especially, people give up so easy and just walk away from each other and God for good and it is really great to hear people who are willing to fight. I will continue to pray for you and your family and I truly look forward to reading the rest of the story!

    1. Thank you for reading and being a part of this journey I am on. Thank you for your prayers. They are always coveted! I'm looking forward to writing the rest...because a lot happened after Good Friday that I can't wait to share!

  3. those are beautiful lyrics that have spoken to me as well...thanks for sharing.